Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
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his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.