Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
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I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!