I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
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My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.