sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
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The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?