*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
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people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.