Forever 21… pounds overweight
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Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Me driving through Toronto
u spoke cat all this time??????
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.