I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
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[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.