Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 馃槒
Her: oh.. 馃槈 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
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Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 馃槒馃槒馃槒
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I鈥檝e been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
it鈥檚 cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i鈥檒l just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I鈥檓 basically a deer.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I鈥檝e realised I鈥檓 not alone.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.