Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
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Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.