Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
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[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.