Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
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Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.