I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
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*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.