I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
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Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
eggs benadryl
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
this post was so formative to me
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.