If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
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The honesty is refreshing
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Good advice.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
December birthdays be like…
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge