Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
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It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.