Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
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Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
A drum solo but on your face.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.