Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
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Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.