I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
You Might Also Like
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Digital security in Ancient Troy
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.