I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
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So inspired right now.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.