Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
You Might Also Like
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Somewhere in an alternate universe
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies