Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
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People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
stand with me against insufficient seating
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking