It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
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I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.