I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
You Might Also Like
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…