My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
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[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Life with a cat in one tweet
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner