[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
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Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees