I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
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This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
ibopfufen
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.