While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
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Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
“i am a sweet baby”
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends