All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
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My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
this is what they would have looked like, though
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful