when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
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Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
time for some seasonal decor
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.