My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
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BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?