Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
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I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.