Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
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his wife is probably gonna see that
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face