Just grow your own
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Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.