Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
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King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe