“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
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You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying