My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
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I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you