Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Lmaoo 😂
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*