me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
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If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train