If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
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*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Yup!
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish