If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
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[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.