This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
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Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
when someone rings the doorbell
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
felt that
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat