Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
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My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”