“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
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School be like
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
#SaturdayBears
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.