[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
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‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.