Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
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Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I will never stop laughing at this
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.