If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
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4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.