doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
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One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Money is the root of all wealth
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.