some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
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I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart