My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
You Might Also Like
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes