A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
You Might Also Like
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
🤣🤣
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds